staying.cool

the kid lolled in front of the entrance to the store. he looked up at the ceiling, and then down at the floor, and then up again. partial reflections were fascinating to him. the light caught his eye, he saw all at once, multiple lights were visible due to just one. now he starting scraping his foot, angled away from the floor, on the floor in front of him. following the lines between the tiles, reaching the intersection with another tile, and scraping back. it was a game. how long could it be done? far longer that you’d think possible. a call came. he turned.

“come here and help me.” mothers. always wanting help. especially when they came to the store. so boring to get him all the way out here, and break him away when he’d discovered the quickest way between stones, without moving the foot.
“come her now!” this was the command. oh well.

the kid went over, the mom unloaded the two bags onto his reluctantly waiting hands, and walked on. he had had to enter the store, as they exited, he tugged at the saree. “amma.”

“come, come fast, we have other places to go.”
“amma, that.” indicating the machine, and the man standing in front of it. he smiles at seeing a regular customer. a stick is produced, the humming machine examined momentarily. then in an expert flourish, the stick dipped into the vessel and twirled, even while it is swept along the inner rim of the bowl. strands magically form on the stick.
“no, no, you had it yesterday.” she keeps moving. “now come fast, appa will be home.”

drawing lines, making boundaries or just putting up walls ? how is it you differentiate between them all ? the borders are fuzzy enough for you to randomly cross over from one position to the other.

it is so very easy for any of us to believe that some lines are flexible. we’d like to think that we can see things from other people’s point of view. that we think about what we say. that we know where we’ve broken the unwritten rules of social behaviour.
in truth, we don’t. we like to think we do, though. and that little belief system keeps us in our utopian world.

the smallest of things can have the weirdest of effects. thinking about it now, its the small things, the minutae; that so easily twist the world around us.
believing that we are finding our boundaries, we proceed to set up fences; closeting ourselves, trying to “protect”a psyche that is fragile enough to be shaken at a single word. that can be cracked by one action.
and so, we erect barriers against that. nothing comes in, but conversely, nothing can go out either.

and so, we cut ourselves off from people. one way, or another, its a catch-22. you’d need to draw a line at drawing lines. which is pretty ironic.

do we put up fences to keep things out ? or to keep them in ?

every child dreams of seeing his parents ecstatic. and its even better when you’ve been instrumental in making that happen.

my biggest regret since i came to the states, was the fact that it meant missing my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary. considering i couldn’t actually be there for the wedding, it would have been pretty rocking to really make it memorable.

i couldn’t be there. there was just no way. damned high pressure grad school. [trust me, this would have played out slightly differently if i had been there :)]

i tried. got people convinced. sowed germs of ideas, and watched as the occasion became what it should be - a celebration that 2 people deserved. granted, i’m biased - they are my parents. but they deserved to have a day where they could look back and say - ‘there. everyone celebrated the fact that we are together. its all been worth it.’

as i get ready to leave for the states, as i say the many goodbyes i have to - some harder than others, some easier… other than the usual gamut of feelings of parting from all those truly near and dear existing, there one overpowering weight on my mind.

the weight of expectation. of relation.

i’ve spent the time i’ve been here trying to touch everyone i hold important to me. spend time, spend moments, hope at the end of every such meeting that the time spent is enough. with some, its never enough. with others… you expect yourself to measure upto their own expectations of you.

complicated ? isn’t it always ?

there are some for whom you have to make the time. no matter what. and there are some for whom you want to. then there are those whom you need not, but you do. hindsight dictates the classification, unfortunately… in most cases. even though, i should have been foresighted enough to do this earlier. i’m not.
says a lot about my brain, i know.

and then it hits you like a solar plexus punch. you haven’t measured up. to your expectations. let alone what others expect of you. in a manner of speaking, its a failure. in another way, its a reality check.

think of it. there are so many people in our lives.. but regardless of whatever regard/relation they hold us in; its completely dependent on the way we manage to stay connected. and there is a point where they hold no expectation - because they don’t know us that well. and a point, where they believe certain standards of us. because of the manner of relation maintained.
so, when in such a case, you disappoint yourself… it hurts doubly.

but is it always possible ? in the current fashion of the world, in the daily fight; there is no way we can always live up to anyone’s expectations, not even our own. apparently, there’s time for them later. maybe there is. at any rate, thus is life.. there are some who remain, and so many others who fall away. you grow out of them, they grow out away from you, directions and attitudes change… so many things. this is reality.. and its not always easy to keep connections alive. especially when you get bored of them.

“ah, chuck it”., you could say. “you analyze too much.”"there’s always next time.”
and therein lies the fallacy. there’s not always the so-called “next time”. sometimes its the last time, and you don’t realise it; because you’ve taken it for granted so many times. and you realise too late, that it is too late.

and that is the worst feeling of them all.

what of these people i’m beating myself up with ? i should expect the same ? maybe ?

at some level i do. but i expect more from myself than them. its a matter of the way i believe i should be. plus, this way when things happen the way they should.. life seems better.
only seems, mind you.

at some level, i know i’ve not done everything i could have. or should have. the questions of whether it was possible are redundant today.. they probably were. i’ll never know.

the connection of relation is too, too fragile to be tested often. everytime we say we’ll do it later, and don’t.. everytime we conveniently forget to hold to a promise… everytime we assume the other will understand; we’re stretching it to limits we have no idea of.
and the only time we realise is when we see that hurt in someone’s eyes, which they try to hide. when we know within that we’ve let them down, in a way. we all do it so often. and are surprised, even hurt when it doesn’t hold up.

when, in fact, we’ve not held up to the test ourselves.

its amazing how you find someone when you need them.

there was a time when i used to feel that one finds the people one needs, only when one needs them. in essence, they can be thought to fill a void.
but there is the class of people who appear.. and enter one’s life. they may not provide any purpose or reason, but they show a way. the way that you might miss. the way that you need to realise.
the way that must be found by us.

and yet, in some ways, we are all drifting away from each other. i can see it happen with me. the lack of common grounds, the loss of a connection based on which i used to relate. i find it difficult to relate, much less talk, to many of the people i know. as close as they may have been, as much as “touch” as we might have maintained.. actual conversations get more and more difficult to carry on. there seem to be some stock questions that are asked.. and then the litany of ’so what else is new ?’ starts. it doesn’t feel like we are conversing, more like we are keeping up appearances.. so that we feel ‘normal’.

there is something we are losing.. and we are doing nothing about it. and every time we rebuild our relationships, they become weaker. we start with good intentions.. and eventually life takes us over; and we give up.
till we realise what we have lost.

you can lose it, and find it. and there are times when you wonder how many chances a relationship can survive before it falls apart.

this means eventually we’ll lose the ability to make connections with other people. social hermits.
or maybe that’ll just be me.

i remember telling someone that i am an introvert.. that i’m turning asocial in the sense that i prefer the company of society less and less. the feeling of being lonely seems almost normal at times.

now that is a scary thought.