staying.cool

this time, of course, celebrating the new year seems to be less important, and the fact that i’m home kinda kicks it in the balls.

the highlight of the year was actually officially knowing that my dream of a phd is turning into a part of my reality. that a goal i decided on a long time ago is finally getting done. knowing you are on a path to fulfill a childhood dream has a specialness all to itself. this is, of course, second to the dream wherein i wanted to be six feet tall at some point in my life (which i succeeded in as well).

the lowlight of the year was the destruction of my car, my laptop and, less importantly, all semblance of a life. quick on the heels of this came the realization that the first of any possession has an emotion associated with it, that cannot be easily replaced. however, the life factor is made up for due to the reason it ceases to exist.
the fact remains that i still sit in a driver’s seat today and can visualize that one moment.

now, i sit back, and think up the plans i have for the year ahead. there are too many, and there is too much i have to do. life is quickly starting to speed up, getting a move on would be a good idea.

it would also be a good idea to have a happy new year. whatever you may be going through, its good to remember that a new year is around the corner. its good to celebrate it. however you end up celebrating it.

its still a new year.

whatever that is supposed to mean.

one minute before the hand of the clock moved to its zenith position on december the 31st of two thousand and six, a familiar feeling struck me. deja vu, in a way. try as i might, i couldn’t shake it off. nevertheless, company dictated the plastered smile on my face, the mandatory shaking of hands all round, hugs, and as much joy as i could muster.

i was then witness to one of the most awesome displays of fireworks that i have seen in a long time… whatever i did exhibit, i hid behind a camera. i tried to unsuccessfully capture a moment that was supposedly significant. for some reason, at the end of it all there was a certain hollowness to it all. for some reason, it was lost on me.

somehow, over the last 2 years, the glow, the sheen, the gloss of new year celebrations have faded. i see it for the excuse of a celebration that it has become. a lot of people either get very drunk in celebrating a great year past, or drown their disappointment in a year better forgotten. i’m not sure where i fall, an element of jadedness seems to have penetrated my very core.

i had the joy attached to my oldest sister getting married, and then took a long-deserved break. i suffered a lack of motivation, then a trough of frustration… finally sinking in the sadness of my grandfather finally attaining peace that he long deserved. i indulged myself in many activities that i hadn’t - gaming, movies, music, tv, reading, inactivity. i found my path to the united states rocky, managing a long awaited trip to some part of europe - namely switzerland - a trip that i will be long thankful for in more ways than one. i rediscovered the joy of home, before embarking on the second leg of a journey i have been on for a while : a doctorate degree. america was eye-opening in more ways than one: i found reason, inspiration, companionship and so much more here. challenges that i have lacked for a while made a comeback, as well as an old devil of self-doubt. to be fair, a lot of the cynicism i suffered from has been alleviated since i made my big move to the states: the lack of inactivity has made a marked difference.
one of the few things that brings a smile to my face at the end of it all is how i’ve discovered the true meaning and value of friends and family. i’ve discovered some amazing people in the last year, re-affirmed others, and found relationships where i thought there were none. it is probably the biggest lesson i take away from it all. in addition to the one thats even bigger - ’shit happens. get used to it.’
not exactly a roller-coaster of a year, pretty much the even keel of the slow rocking of a boat. i can’t exactly leave the year with a frown, or a tear, or a smile. it passed, it was.

2007 has much expectation attached even now, but at the same time i can feel the fact that at the end of it, it too will just have been another year. i will be older at the end of it, maybe wiser, hopefully just as childish, probably still cynical and definitely still looking for the purpose of it all.

welcome, 2007. i think.

when the new year started about 8 hours ago.. the street party i was in erupted in celebration. it was a literal force of noise that slammed out of possibly 2000 people screaming at the top of their lungs. ushering in the new year.

funnily enough, i barely did.
i did scream, but i stopped. long before anyone else did. well within, i was missing something. i couldn’t quite define it.. i still can’t. all i knew was that it wasn’t there.
i remember reflecting over the events of the past year. a lot has happened.. a lot of it life-changing.
as always it barely seems possible that so much has happened so fast.. but i guess thats something you say every new year.

and suddenly a thought entered my head.
what are we celebrating ?
is it the end of a year ? the start of a new one ?
it happens every year.. even seems a long time while it lasts but, in a few years, you barely remember it at all anyway. in fact, if you think about it, there barely seems to be a lot to celebrate about.
work/college/school will start again.. the grind. life goes on. we remember that another year is passing. time is flying away even as we realise it. and there’s really not much we’re doing with it right now.

somehow there seems to be nothing to really look forward to. another day. another hour. another year.

happy new year, by the way.