Posts tagged mood

drained

Aug 3rd

I feel drained.

There’s the deadline. The extension to the deadline. The paper. The second paper. The paper you are writing in parallel to the other two. Other people’s papers. Other people’s papers that you are trying to beat to the punch. Old papers that you want to get a handle on, but seem like you never will have the time to. Future papers that are pending. Papers that are pending, but appear dead. Trying to revive dead papers.

The experiment. The results. The meaning of experiment and the experiment’s results. Follow-up experiments. Comprehensive validation experiments for the results. The code that underlies it all. Waiting on that code to run. Making that code faster. New experiments. Novel extensions to the experiments. Writing, summarizing and explaining the experiments. The theory of the experiment. Writing the paper about the experiments. Rewriting. Proof-reading. Going through 10 drafts of the same paper until you are sick of it.

Then there’s the lab. The small bits and pieces of mundane lab life that you involve yourself in. Maintaining things within the lab that at some point you became responsible for. Remembering tiny nuggets of related information that somehow only you became privy to. Retaining and producing them at the opportune moment.

At some point, you go back home.

You bask in not having to think of things such as papers and experiments. (thanks.. of course.. to a certain Mrs., who is awesome)

(Unless there’s a deadline. In which case, that’s all you think about)

Then you remember all the other things you have to remember.

At some point, the random thought about whether there is a point in the day when you will not look at a screen of some kind. They seem to be everywhere. The computer. The TV. The PSP. The phone. The laptop. Then you shrug and decide you have to live with such wonderings in the world you are in.

Then you try to keep up with what is happening in the world around. In different spheres of the world around you. In your own personal world. In your interests.

Then you go to bed. Planning what to do the next day. Trying to note down things you remember you have not done that day.

You try to get up the next day, full of zest and life, completely not drained at all.

Such is life.

And I really want to do this for the rest of mine.

Didn’t see that coming.

felt, mood, out of it, phd

you know its the woman of your dreams when..

Apr 2nd

Posted by SEV in staying.in.my.head

12 comments

mind it! ..when she puts up this poster, with nary a wink.

..she’s worried that your movie collection will not have enough place on the shelf, especially after all your books have been arranged.

..she’s pushing you to get your next computer upgrade more than anyone else (even yourself).

..all the stuff in the house just somehow “fits” into place. With scarcely any effort.

..you love being at home. With her. And can’t imagine why it took you so long to do this.

mood, nothing to say, wedding

my event of a lifetime

Feb 8th

Posted by SEV in staying.in.my.head

22 comments

It’s been too, too long.

Wish I had a good excuse.

Maybe this one: “Marriage does that to you.” Or even: “Things change like this after marriage.”

At the very least, marriage gives you a scapegoat that most married men will commiserate with. “Yes, yes.. I know what you mean.” Its either commiseration or a devilish satisfaction (as I saw on more than one recently married face that was turned to greet me). “Yes, yes… now you shall know what I mean! Muahahahahaha!”

I have enough things to write about that I might be able to post more often. However, the future looms close with promise of having to wait on the Mrs hand-and-foot.. so no promises.

Read On… »

To begin at the beginning… so much has happened that I can, at best, barely give a glimpse of the highlights as they remain with me only three weeks later. There was the preparation I had to undergo, such as going to a beauty parlor for a facial, manicure, pedicure and a haircut. (Quit laughing, you.) Its all required regulations. Have to look pretty on the day. Even if no-one ever pays attention to the groom (the video has proof of how much clamoring I had to do to get people to notice me enter). A certain amount of respect has welled for women who undergo such processes on a regular basis (along with waxing and tweezing) as the Mrs has helpfully reminded me.
More frustrating for me was not being allowed to go out. ‘House arrest’ about sums it up. They gave me some cock-and-bull story about it not being good, and took some names and so on.. but I complied. To an extent, it paid off as it meant I got to glory in the attention of the amazing number of relatives who hung around for the whole event. Until, of course, they were each called away on various other tasks they had to finish so that I could get married.
The greatest beauty by far, was the smooth syncing between everyone around. Things just happened as they should on the day. Yes, everyone involved had been planning for months in advance and so on.. and I had to live with being the guy who gets to enjoy it all happening for his sake.. but still. There is a certain beauty to see people turn up out of nowhere to get the job done. Accommodation, food, transport, luggage.. a virtual well-oiled machine cannot be a better description. Even before I could think, “What about this?”, it was already being prepared for and underway. I only wish I could appreciate such people more.

The actual event is a near-blur. Some stand out moments include the ‘kaashi yatrai‘ , the ‘thirumangalya dharanam‘ and the ‘saptapathi‘ (decent precis of everything in a Tam Bram wedding here). In the ‘kaashi yatrai‘, I finally felt like a groom. The vadhyar had done an awesome job of tying my ‘panchakatcham’ – which also has to be the most comfortable male dress ever. I really didn’t want to take it off. Back to the point, at that point it felt as though I was king of the world (I guess in terms of the ritual, I sorta was too — they had to offer me the Mrs. to stop me from walking away )

Tying the knot around her neck (‘thirumangalya dharanam‘) really felt like the culmination of a long, long journey. I could reminisce here about the first time of the many things that make up a relationship, and so on and on… but those are details that shall remain shrouded in the mists of time. The Mrs was looking like a dream at that point – one I won’t forget – the feeling of first taking her hands in mine and then being guided to tie the knot suddenly made me realize the responsibility I was so naturally able to take in my hands. As I attempted to make hazy sense of ancient Sanskrit during the ‘saptapathi‘, (something struck me about the part of only holding hands with each other until the ‘saptapathi‘ was completed), so many thoughts, feelings and words were jumbling up inside me… its hard to elucidate. There was elation, there was some part of me that wanted to yell out to each one present what I was doing… there was also some vague realization of how there were so many people there – all so happy to see me (and her) go to this next phase of our lives… there were memories of days past, there were flashes of what might happen in days to come.

Right. Back to the more warmly sarcastic tone of this blog.

Or the gloating one in which I tell you that I spent my birthday in conjunction with my honeymoon.

Most. Awesome. Birthday. Ever

‘Nuff said.

More generic India observations next time.

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back, felt, india, mood, realization, wedding

my big event of the year is nearly here

Jan 8th

Posted by SEV in staying.in.my.head

7 comments

The time has come.

Back to India.

Madness. All centered around me. And the missus. But me too!

There will probably be no posts for a bit here. I’m not live-blogging my own wedding, or even live-tweeting my honeymoon

Speaking of which, that is probably going to be the best birthday ever

It has taken its time to sink in, people have been asking me ‘How do you feel about you getting married?’ for weeks now.. and I haven’t really had an answer. Half the “wedding feeling” is in the atmosphere around you. Yes, I have great friends and a great missus who are all insanely excited about what is going to happen… but its not quite the same, is it? Having 20 billion people around you (or at least what feels like 20 billion people) all abuzz, all running around, ragging, laughing, managing, noise, shouting – this is what really makes that feeling really hit you.

A little bit of that feeling is striking me now. I’m not sure if it is my usual trip-anticipation jitters, but it does feel different somehow. Feels like a lot of preparation is coming together at long last. A big huge deal is about to happen, and I’m right in the center of it all. I want to hug myself and hold onto all the anticipation, save it for the big day.

The missus becomes more than just fiancée. She already is, but will now more officially be an SWMBO. I wonder how much she will like me as her PWOM (inverse of SWMBO).

I can’t wait.

felt, india, mood, realization

a bit of floss

May 28th

Posted by SEV in staying.in.my.head

6 comments

the kid lolled in front of the entrance to the store. he looked up at the ceiling, and then down at the floor, and then up again. partial reflections were fascinating to him. the light caught his eye, he saw all at once, multiple lights were visible due to just one. now he starting scraping his foot, angled away from the floor, on the floor in front of him. following the lines between the tiles, reaching the intersection with another tile, and scraping back. it was a game. how long could it be done? far longer that you’d think possible. a call came. he turned.

“come here and help me.” mothers. always wanting help. especially when they came to the store. so boring to get him all the way out here, and break him away when he’d discovered the quickest way between stones, without moving the foot.
“come here now!” this was the command. oh well.

the kid went over, the mom unloaded the two bags onto his reluctantly waiting hands, and walked on. he had had to enter the store, as they exited, he tugged at the saree. “amma.”

“come, come fast, we have other places to go.”
“amma, that.” indicating the machine, and the man standing in front of it. he smiles at seeing a regular customer. a stick is produced, the humming machine examined momentarily. then in an expert flourish, the stick dipped into the vessel and twirled, even while it is swept along the inner rim of the bowl. strands magically form on the stick.
“no, no, you had it yesterday.” she keeps moving. “now come fast, appa will be home.”

Read On… »

“please please please, ma. pleaase. next time…” he looked up, trailing reluctantly behind. the man still grinning, the stick accumulating the strands, now a lump, now a pile, and even now, a heap on the stick; which barely seems able to hold onto it all.
“you need to come fast.” she has already given in, she goes to the seller, the stick passed down to the boy. the bags are in her hands, she is already looking to the next store.

he looks at the stick, wondering how it was made so neatly. the final twirl, makes it point up, the other strands seem to have been constructed from making that final shape. he looks up, the seller is making it for someone on the other side of the machine. the strands seem to jump on the stick, quiver, and then fall in a pattern only they know about. unbidden, the mouth moves closer to his own stick, and a mouthful warmly melts on his tongue. he looks at it funnily. he could never figure out how it was made, or even how it disappeared. another wad is pulled off, and dissolved. a hand comes down on his wrist holding the stick.

“ayyo walk faster, we have 2 more stores. and appa will come. and i have to buy things. now come.” alarm that the wisps will fall because the all-important wrist is grasped and pulled onward, is replaced by contented calm. the boy moves the stick to the other hand. bites are taken, some leaving the sugary mark around his mouth as they are ingested. some are licked, some are left. a look of bliss descends, as he walks beside his mother unattended now, the cotton candy disappearing.

**********************

the slightly greying hairs of the lady are swept back into a bun, as she sits on the bench. shade dances around her, she is feeling extremely warm right now. sunglasses are perched on her head, the salwar kameez is comfortably draped on her. the walking shoes complete the ensemble. “amma !” she looks inside her bag, then her hand for the kerchief. “ammmmaaaa !” she looks around while mopping her face. it was a warm day.

a youth runs up to her, and gathers the few bags around her. “we have to go, the next place is in 5 minutes.” she looks up. “you want to go, you move. i will come. if not now, then later. i can’t run.” he looks a tad exasperated. “oh c’mon”.

she takes her own time gathering up, and getting up. “i am old now, you know.” grimace from the youth. “okay, okay. come now, we will miss it.” once ready, she starts moving at the pace she has learnt is best for her. the youth races ahead, and suddenly looks around. comes back. “come na, ma.” she smiles at him. “i am.” the youth stands around, and then starts walking next to her.

carts abound around them, cool drinks, snacks… they are all there. she pulls his arm. “look, there.” he is busy fiddling with his camera. without looking up, “where?” “there, that shop. how much are those?” she is pointing towards the plastic bags. her face is looking towards him, that she would like it is obvious. he looks up, and puts away the camera. “oh, that. probably like three, four bucks. why?” she is now looking in front, and trying to keep going. the sun is beating down. “nothing, nothing, just wondering.”

he looks at her, a store, a stick and a wisp come to mind. a stride here, and he’s swiping a card. a stride there and he’s thrusting a bag of cotton candy in her hands. even as she holds it, he’s ripped it open. “now have.” she’s smiling. he keeps walking, chivvying her forward.

“you must be thinking, amma has the weirdest wants, no?”
he smiles, and looks at her, while pulling a piece of candy for himself.
“not that weird, ma. who doesn’t like cotton candy?”

The detail simply because, that’s my mom. And me.

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felt, memories, mood, relationships