Posts tagged mood

my event of a lifetime

Feb 8th

It’s been too, too long.

Wish I had a good excuse.

Maybe this one: “Marriage does that to you.” Or even: “Things change like this after marriage.”

At the very least, marriage gives you a scapegoat that most married men will commiserate with. “Yes, yes.. I know what you mean.” Its either commiseration or a devilish satisfaction (as I saw on more than one recently married face that was turned to greet me). “Yes, yes… now you shall know what I mean! Muahahahahaha!”

I have enough things to write about that I might be able to post more often. However, the future looms close with promise of having to wait on the Mrs hand-and-foot.. so no promises.

Read On… »

To begin at the beginning… so much has happened that I can, at best, barely give a glimpse of the highlights as they remain with me only three weeks later. There was the preparation I had to undergo, such as going to a beauty parlor for a facial, manicure, pedicure and a haircut. (Quit laughing, you.) Its all required regulations. Have to look pretty on the day. Even if no-one ever pays attention to the groom (the video has proof of how much clamoring I had to do to get people to notice me enter). A certain amount of respect has welled for women who undergo such processes on a regular basis (along with waxing and tweezing) as the Mrs has helpfully reminded me.
More frustrating for me was not being allowed to go out. ‘House arrest’ about sums it up. They gave me some cock-and-bull story about it not being good, and took some names and so on.. but I complied. To an extent, it paid off as it meant I got to glory in the attention of the amazing number of relatives who hung around for the whole event. Until, of course, they were each called away on various other tasks they had to finish so that I could get married.
The greatest beauty by far, was the smooth syncing between everyone around. Things just happened as they should on the day. Yes, everyone involved had been planning for months in advance and so on.. and I had to live with being the guy who gets to enjoy it all happening for his sake.. but still. There is a certain beauty to see people turn up out of nowhere to get the job done. Accommodation, food, transport, luggage.. a virtual well-oiled machine cannot be a better description. Even before I could think, “What about this?”, it was already being prepared for and underway. I only wish I could appreciate such people more.

The actual event is a near-blur. Some stand out moments include the ‘kaashi yatrai‘ , the ‘thirumangalya dharanam‘ and the ‘saptapathi‘ (decent precis of everything in a Tam Bram wedding here). In the ‘kaashi yatrai‘, I finally felt like a groom. The vadhyar had done an awesome job of tying my ‘panchakatcham’ – which also has to be the most comfortable male dress ever. I really didn’t want to take it off. Back to the point, at that point it felt as though I was king of the world (I guess in terms of the ritual, I sorta was too — they had to offer me the Mrs. to stop me from walking away )

Tying the knot around her neck (‘thirumangalya dharanam‘) really felt like the culmination of a long, long journey. I could reminisce here about the first time of the many things that make up a relationship, and so on and on… but those are details that shall remain shrouded in the mists of time. The Mrs was looking like a dream at that point – one I won’t forget – the feeling of first taking her hands in mine and then being guided to tie the knot suddenly made me realize the responsibility I was so naturally able to take in my hands. As I attempted to make hazy sense of ancient Sanskrit during the ‘saptapathi‘, (something struck me about the part of only holding hands with each other until the ‘saptapathi‘ was completed), so many thoughts, feelings and words were jumbling up inside me… its hard to elucidate. There was elation, there was some part of me that wanted to yell out to each one present what I was doing… there was also some vague realization of how there were so many people there – all so happy to see me (and her) go to this next phase of our lives… there were memories of days past, there were flashes of what might happen in days to come.

Right. Back to the more warmly sarcastic tone of this blog.

Or the gloating one in which I tell you that I spent my birthday in conjunction with my honeymoon.

Most. Awesome. Birthday. Ever

‘Nuff said.

More generic India observations next time.

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back, felt, india, mood, realization, wedding

my big event of the year is nearly here

Jan 8th

Posted by SEV in staying.in.my.head

7 comments

The time has come.

Back to India.

Madness. All centered around me. And the missus. But me too!

There will probably be no posts for a bit here. I’m not live-blogging my own wedding, or even live-tweeting my honeymoon

Speaking of which, that is probably going to be the best birthday ever

It has taken its time to sink in, people have been asking me ‘How do you feel about you getting married?’ for weeks now.. and I haven’t really had an answer. Half the “wedding feeling” is in the atmosphere around you. Yes, I have great friends and a great missus who are all insanely excited about what is going to happen… but its not quite the same, is it? Having 20 billion people around you (or at least what feels like 20 billion people) all abuzz, all running around, ragging, laughing, managing, noise, shouting – this is what really makes that feeling really hit you.

A little bit of that feeling is striking me now. I’m not sure if it is my usual trip-anticipation jitters, but it does feel different somehow. Feels like a lot of preparation is coming together at long last. A big huge deal is about to happen, and I’m right in the center of it all. I want to hug myself and hold onto all the anticipation, save it for the big day.

The missus becomes more than just fiancée. She already is, but will now more officially be an SWMBO. I wonder how much she will like me as her PWOM (inverse of SWMBO).

I can’t wait.

felt, india, mood, realization

a bit of floss

May 28th

Posted by SEV in staying.in.my.head

6 comments

the kid lolled in front of the entrance to the store. he looked up at the ceiling, and then down at the floor, and then up again. partial reflections were fascinating to him. the light caught his eye, he saw all at once, multiple lights were visible due to just one. now he starting scraping his foot, angled away from the floor, on the floor in front of him. following the lines between the tiles, reaching the intersection with another tile, and scraping back. it was a game. how long could it be done? far longer that you’d think possible. a call came. he turned.

“come here and help me.” mothers. always wanting help. especially when they came to the store. so boring to get him all the way out here, and break him away when he’d discovered the quickest way between stones, without moving the foot.
“come here now!” this was the command. oh well.

the kid went over, the mom unloaded the two bags onto his reluctantly waiting hands, and walked on. he had had to enter the store, as they exited, he tugged at the saree. “amma.”

“come, come fast, we have other places to go.”
“amma, that.” indicating the machine, and the man standing in front of it. he smiles at seeing a regular customer. a stick is produced, the humming machine examined momentarily. then in an expert flourish, the stick dipped into the vessel and twirled, even while it is swept along the inner rim of the bowl. strands magically form on the stick.
“no, no, you had it yesterday.” she keeps moving. “now come fast, appa will be home.”

Read On… »

“please please please, ma. pleaase. next time…” he looked up, trailing reluctantly behind. the man still grinning, the stick accumulating the strands, now a lump, now a pile, and even now, a heap on the stick; which barely seems able to hold onto it all.
“you need to come fast.” she has already given in, she goes to the seller, the stick passed down to the boy. the bags are in her hands, she is already looking to the next store.

he looks at the stick, wondering how it was made so neatly. the final twirl, makes it point up, the other strands seem to have been constructed from making that final shape. he looks up, the seller is making it for someone on the other side of the machine. the strands seem to jump on the stick, quiver, and then fall in a pattern only they know about. unbidden, the mouth moves closer to his own stick, and a mouthful warmly melts on his tongue. he looks at it funnily. he could never figure out how it was made, or even how it disappeared. another wad is pulled off, and dissolved. a hand comes down on his wrist holding the stick.

“ayyo walk faster, we have 2 more stores. and appa will come. and i have to buy things. now come.” alarm that the wisps will fall because the all-important wrist is grasped and pulled onward, is replaced by contented calm. the boy moves the stick to the other hand. bites are taken, some leaving the sugary mark around his mouth as they are ingested. some are licked, some are left. a look of bliss descends, as he walks beside his mother unattended now, the cotton candy disappearing.

**********************

the slightly greying hairs of the lady are swept back into a bun, as she sits on the bench. shade dances around her, she is feeling extremely warm right now. sunglasses are perched on her head, the salwar kameez is comfortably draped on her. the walking shoes complete the ensemble. “amma !” she looks inside her bag, then her hand for the kerchief. “ammmmaaaa !” she looks around while mopping her face. it was a warm day.

a youth runs up to her, and gathers the few bags around her. “we have to go, the next place is in 5 minutes.” she looks up. “you want to go, you move. i will come. if not now, then later. i can’t run.” he looks a tad exasperated. “oh c’mon”.

she takes her own time gathering up, and getting up. “i am old now, you know.” grimace from the youth. “okay, okay. come now, we will miss it.” once ready, she starts moving at the pace she has learnt is best for her. the youth races ahead, and suddenly looks around. comes back. “come na, ma.” she smiles at him. “i am.” the youth stands around, and then starts walking next to her.

carts abound around them, cool drinks, snacks… they are all there. she pulls his arm. “look, there.” he is busy fiddling with his camera. without looking up, “where?” “there, that shop. how much are those?” she is pointing towards the plastic bags. her face is looking towards him, that she would like it is obvious. he looks up, and puts away the camera. “oh, that. probably like three, four bucks. why?” she is now looking in front, and trying to keep going. the sun is beating down. “nothing, nothing, just wondering.”

he looks at her, a store, a stick and a wisp come to mind. a stride here, and he’s swiping a card. a stride there and he’s thrusting a bag of cotton candy in her hands. even as she holds it, he’s ripped it open. “now have.” she’s smiling. he keeps walking, chivvying her forward.

“you must be thinking, amma has the weirdest wants, no?”
he smiles, and looks at her, while pulling a piece of candy for himself.
“not that weird, ma. who doesn’t like cotton candy?”

The detail simply because, that’s my mom. And me.

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felt, memories, mood, relationships

i stand now..

Feb 20th

Posted by SEV in staying.in.my.head

5 comments

…at a desk, having presented my first paper in a conference attended by peers in my field.

…with satisfaction in the appreciation given by people who were genuinely interested by my talk.

…with the knowledge that the work i do makes some sense, somewhere.

…with 20 more ideas which excite me to a degree that i believe that something truly novel may come out of them.

…knowing that i am learning to stand for myself. 24 years after i learnt to stand in the first place.

felt, mood, phd

friends can be pretty crazy sometimes

Feb 15th

Posted by SEV in staying.general

5 comments

not the show, the people.

a PSP ! these guys are beautiful.

as a side note, on my 25th birthday i’ve received candy, comics and a PSP. i guess i’m not growing up. and been stunned to silence twice. the other time… i’ll think about telling you guys about it

birthday, mood

take-off

Jan 20th

Posted by SEV in staying.in.my.head

3 comments

the hum of the engine penetrates the shell of the plane i am in… vibrating, permeating and then trailing away into nearly nothing at all. all at once, it is back, then gone; every few minutes now as the pilot readies for take-off. the plane speeds up. i can see little of the illuminated runway on my in flight display, mirrored by the window 2 seats away. the runway speeds up… faster, faster, a blur of gray now, a jerk… the plane is reared up into the air, and i am off.

again.
i hate it more than all the other times. possibly, the first time i took off like this 3 years comes close in terms of longing. longing not to leave. there was a moment today, outside bombay airport. i held my mother, then my sister; it seemed less than 5 seconds had passed since i had hugged them on striding out of the airport on a blistering wednesday afternoon. 21 days could not have passed since then. i did not want to leave them, leave home, leave bombay again. i had blinked furiously, tears were not something i wanted to face. facing them was well beyond me.

i sit in a flight now at dubai. i wanted one last glimpse of bombay, maybe a photo of its shiny night as i left. my distance at the aisle seat had precluded that joy. each time i come, it gets harder to be with everyone i want to, the way i want to, when i want to.

Read On… »

a random emotional sequence in the movie running on the screen in front of me, and tears fight to come out. there is nothing significant about the scene, or even the movie… there is a little girl, and she misses her mom. i can feel her a little too acutely for my own comfort.

the plane takes off from dubai. the final leg of my journey back… i remain stunned at the entire cornucopia that is developing here. i am at the favoured window seat now. the tallest building in the world towers over a cityscape rivaling new york, but it is yet unfinished. the palm islands and the mini-world are being filled in, i watch the sand spurt from the ships surrounding the land that is being created. my grief is momentarily forgotten as i gaze in awe at what is unfolding below me. unbidden, the significance of yet another take-off sinks in. i can’t look anymore. the movie is restarted, i continue watching to get my mind off everything else.

i am continually distracted by the sights outside. it s a beautiful day over bandar abbas, i see the desert expanded below me… an empty old wrinkly canvas speckled with clouds. i see mountains rising out of it, ridged, lying in strange swirly patterns. i sit for a long time just looking out the window: imagining why, wondering what they are at ground level. i see snow capped peaks, then cleared land… but mostly just the wild african desert.

brown mountains are replaced with white; first the clouds lie over them, later the snow layers them… the land below changes into one that is more white than brown. the plane rises, the land is left below… i ascend to a higher sea of clouds, even the sun seems to be below me on the far horizon. the man next me sleeps on, oblivious to the beauty we bypass, cramping me ever so little. i have seen business class while boarding, i wish i could sit there with the large LCDs and almost-LaZBoy.i see cities, lakes, roads all etched in the expanse of the desert… somehow not swallowed by the vast area they lie in. at times, they appear as mere outlines, at other times more than permanent. we humans certainly believe in survival.i open the cubbyhole of the window. the clouds are a blur, it looks like we are going fast, faster… too fast. snowflakes have been crushed against the window; the frost forms weird, strange fractals on the glass. if i didn’t know better, i’d say the glass was coming apart.

i watch as a kid on the seat nearby is picked up, and is stripped as his diaper is changed. he is gazing at his progenitors silently, they examine him minutely as though afraid he is disintegrating, he likes the attention, his face breaks into the innocent smile only seen on the very young.

the lack of company seems to make this flight interminable. there are no major changes in the entertainment since i flew 3 weeks ago, most of the channels bore me. somehow, the anticipation last time seemed to speed things up, rather than slow them down as is normal. i go back to perusing ‘maximum city’, even as i await my arrival at another.

i call for a drink of juice, the appearance is almost instant… the genie of the air-hostess appearing and disappearing before i can even think of what i want. it feels awesome, this service in the air, as though one is ruler of the skies themselves.

i dare to look out the window, the sun is blisteringly bright… after the calm semi-darkness of the cabin, it is way too bright. i see icelands go past beneath us; the display tells me we are curving over antithetically named greenland. my destination is close, being on firm land… getting back to the life i have chosen for myself over the next few years should help the pangs of homesickness that assail me.

or so i tell myself. i know this is more, i have realized i will only ever be happy there. home.

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feelings, mood

Posts tagged mood

my event of a lifetime

my big event of the year is nearly here

a bit of floss

i stand now..

friends can be pretty crazy sometimes

take-off

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