but i don’t.
i need to manage my time better.
but i don’t.
i wish i could finish so many things that i’ve started.
but i usually start them knowing i won’t finish. i won’t last.
i wonder if this post could be any more depressing.
i doubt it.
ever since i read marie’s post, i keep going back to why i’m doing this. why am i blogging ? to be absolutely straight about it, this space is nowhere close to what it started out to be.
that it was started due to a few too many free evenings in college; and some inclination towards understanding the basics of web-design might be taken into consideration.
if this was free, then the decision is simple. if it was dirt-cheap; figuring the problem wouldn’t reallly be that much of a problem. its not. neither of the two apply.
can i really analyze this here ? why the hell not ?
i shifted to paid hosting because i wanted my own domain. i wanted to go the next step in webspace evolution. tomorrow will mark one year in the life of this domain. from the looks of it; i’m here for another year. this debate is essentially moot. over the last one year; i’ve seen the advantage of having webspace. its cool. its useful. its happening.
so, i keep the webspace.
now; what do i do with it ?
this blog is nothing like what i started it out like. neither am i.
amazing, wonderful, unique concepts would come to me (lets call them so for the sake of argument)… and i would extoll explanations that made sense to me. i figured out things that had been bothering me for years. then i made it more blog-like. a journal of sorts; but not the type that you regularly write in.
but i keep writing. i like writing. and some of it still makes sense. but i get the feeling my creative streak has been killed.
neither am i cataloguing my life in a way that others are able to. being really honest and all that. inherent character flaw prevents me from doing that. so i’m maintaining a blog, that is as expected, nothing like other blogs. as a blog cannot have definition.
its been good to me though. made friends i couldn’t have otherwise. met some really smart people; some really caring people; and renewed other friendships. discovered a voice inside me that i couldn’t have easily done in such public scrutiny. figured some principles of web development. found some amazing writers who still inspire me.
i don’t always have the inclination to write. i assume that people read what i write; and i try not to make that the primary consideration. all good.
final point ? there really isn’t any. i’m finding it increasingly difficult to find things to talk about here. x365 does not count; but incidentally, that too is not easy. a noticeable lack of promptness in them might be noticed by people who notice such things.
can i still find things for staying.cool ?
good question.
haven’t posted the last 2 365s, they should be next up.
this animation is rocking.
decadently is on hiatus. not good. i miss marie already.
and cyberjunkie is dying. interesting news to receive after you renew hosting packages..
why are people killing off their blogs ? will i too ?
no matter how much one may try to avoid it.. one cannot escape oneself.
you can try to run, hide, lie… but in the end you know what you are worth. what you can or cannot do. the problem is usually.. knowing why.
this is one thing i am currently unable to do. where i could once objectively analyse myself, draw conclusions, understand… the ability seems lacking. the ability to think seems to have died.. atrophied.
one of my worst fears come true, that one.
the inner fear of failure that drives me on to do my best seems to have the ring of truth to it more and more. i know murphy’s law only too well not to realise what is happening.
self-doubt, self-persecution.. the destruction of self-esteem are natural by-products of such circumstance. it feels, ever so often like the man caught in the marshes underwater. the more you fight, the more you are enmeshed. the only way is to relax, but relaxing underwater is the one thing you cannot do. and so, the fight continues, getting weaker.. weaker.. weaker..
this may sound like the final gasps of a person. this isn’t.
its the scream of frustration. the lament of helplessness. the bellow of irritation. i could come up with more metaphors, language can be used to revel in; or to communicate.
the questions that remain in my head are not getting answered. they are repeated enough times, a monomanic litany of queries that bounce around within; without ever coming out.
i try to divert my mind.. it has come to the stage where i can “switch off”… but to what end ? the cessation of thought ? the destruction of deduction ?
no beginning or end to it all in sight. the fear of becoming imbecelic lingers. and a faculty for english that will die out with mental atrophy.
what do you do when you realize you’re just not as special as you think you are ?
and that you never can be ?
life is monotonous. a slow uneventful progress of nothing. regular, undulating; and one cannot even go to sleep over it.
apparently, everyone i know is bored. bored of job-seeking. bored of sitting around. bored of working out of a cubicle. bored of waiting. bored of studies…
i guess you get the idea.
i had heard that one’s twenties are the most happening years of one’s life. independence strikes. wine, women, song and all that. life is supposed to be exciting; to the point that people know it as the ‘wild side’. go ballistic. go crazy.
naah.
not really. twenties are over-rated, really. a lot of life is overrated; if you think about it.
i know, one cane find the inspiration to do things. motivate oneself to get things done. actually get things done too.live life; so to speak.
but why ? is there any real point ?
…
and that’s where i get stuck. there doesn’t seem to be any point to it all. at all. ever. movies get monotonous. music has been heard to the point where complete interludes are burned into memory. tv is eventually crap. reading helps; but reading all the time is something which the mood does not permit.
even reading ?!!
like wow.
i hope that it changes. else i know one person who just might be behind the next texas aberdeen chainsaw massacre. it would make for a good interview too:
“why did you do it ? commit genocide on such a large scale ?”
“i was bored.”
