staying.reviews

my problem with hindi movies today

Feb 16th

There have been any number of reviews about the latest from the Bollywood stable (My Name is Khan) – ranging from vitriolic to sarcastic/mocking to adulatory.

I could write reams, spew abuse galore, and point out in how many different ways the movie gets it wrong… but I won’t. That’s too easy. Plus, people have already done a pretty good job of that. Quite simply, MNIK suffers from the problem that Hindi cinema has been suffering from for a long time. No, not the fact that SRK is in it, or that KJo is directing it… it simply takes itself too seriously.

You can make movies that are obviously escapist, sheer fantasy – and I’m willing to accept it. For example (just off the top of my head), Krrish and Om Shanti Om get this formula close to right. Then you have the movies that are more realistic (and ergo, more intelligent) – for e.g. Luck By Chance, Dev D. Then of course, the “off-beat” - Kaminey, Rocket Singh – they take advantage of it being “cinema”, but don’t push the envelope to the extent that you cannot accept what is going on. Penultimately, the completely unwatchable - Yuvvraaj, Love Story 2050. Finally, the awesome - Gunda. Obviously, you can choose to segregate movies differently, but this kind of classification can work for most movies in most languages.

Why all this background? Movies that belong to one class, but slowly devolve into a second class end up being neither here nor there. And lead to vitriol galore.

I went into 3 Idiots expecting an intelligent comedy. Within about 5 minutes, I settled back into “escapist comedy” mode. It’s not meant to be taken seriously. It’s sheer fun (note here that I think that people who thought 3 Idiots was “silly” were committing the other cardinal mistake: they were taking the movie too seriously). Ishqiya lived up to my expectations of intelligence. Chance Pe Dance lived up to my expectations to being nearly unwatchable. MNIK starts with merely wanting to be intelligent, then flip-flops between fantasy and unwatchable… resulting in something you eventually await the end of.

Read On… »

The premise starts out simply enough. A certain amount of realism is injected (not a lot, but a certain amount anyway). Soon enough though, things start to crash and burn as KJo starts to struggle to continue {acting/directing/writing} intelligently. He starts pandering to cliches galore. But powerful acting from that Tanay kid redeems some of it. Some silly explanations are given (which have been pointed out elsewhere) – to keep the story moving. The movie is sagging but expected chemistry between SRK and Kajol makes the cheesy romance work, but just barely. Sequences start appearing unwittingly funny as the movie traipses along (losing its plot) – quite simply the sequences are there for no reason at all. Back to getting things vaguely on track as pathos is injected for different reasons (9/11, death etc.). Until this point, I was willing to concede a vague amount of credit – and would have just talked about how KJo could have snipped a bit here and there and come up with a much better movie. Not hugely more watchable, but better.

However, MNIK then drags for another unforgivable 45 minutes which ensure that no sane person can really watch this movie and come out liking it. Or any of its very loudly advertised messages.

Back to my point. Making Hindi movies intelligent may not be the best thing – a large majority may end up never really watching it (case in point, Luck By Chance). But when you have a real box office draw in your movie, I thin KJo could have risked making it more intelligent: SRK’s draw would have overcome. Making a silly Hindi movie and then justifying it as “Hindi movies, ergo they can be stupid” is unforgivable.

Finally, the second biggest problem with this particular movie, and Hindi cinema today in general. SRK. The man gets on your nerves within 60 minutes of the movie. Why? He’s been on screen non-stop for 55 goddamn minutes. Continues to be so for the next 85 minutes (even Kamal Haasan has to wear different get-ups to justify such screen time). In the process, his performance goes from being barely interesting to highly irritating (never better illustrated than by the Mrs initially righteously justifying to me why his Aspergers’ must go undiagnosed for so long… and finally getting to the point where she gleefully applauded the fact that he might die near the end of the movie). He gets to pander to his Superman complex – he goes from being unable to verbalize anything properly to saving a goddamn town while being interviewed on national television (hey, if Aamir can deliver a baby in a storm.. SRK can..). In his big sentimental speech, he doesn’t even do a Hindi voice-over for a speech that should obviously have been given in English (SRK re-dub SRK? Are you crazy?) Hell, he even has Barack come back to meet him personally.

Hindi movie-makers really need to decide what they want to do with their movies – and stick to a single plan. You can’t really do everything in every single movie. SRK really needs to find himself some new directors. All the ones he works with (Chopra, Johar, Farah) currently seem to want him to do one ridiculous ham-heavy impersonation in the name of acting – and seem happy to call it “amazing”.

I really need to stop analyzing everything I watch so much. It’s not worth the effort. Oh well.

« Hide Post

frustration, in the movies, reviews, views

d’oh joe!

Dec 5th

Posted by SEV in staying.reviews

6 comments

Admittedly, one should not expect Schindler’s List from G.I.Joe: Rise of the Cobra. Is it too much to ask for just a modicum of sense though?

Apparently, we can extract neural impulses from a recently deceased person and then convert them to images. We can then analyze them for how long they have “decayed” (whatever that is supposed to mean) and hence figure out how old they are. Based on commonly known heights of people, the length of their shadow in this extracted image and the aforementioned approximated time.. it is a relatively minor matter to apply spherical trigonometry to figure out where on the planet the image in the “memory” is from.
No, seriously. They actually say all that.

Read On… »

“McCallan, you will be Destro. Destroyer of worlds. And I will be.. the Cobra Commander. We shall..”
[Duke] “Blah blah.. give yourself up..we have a huge-ass army waiting to whoop your ass..”
“Erm, Destro, slight change of plans. We are going to go some kind of deeply underground floating jail, with our henchwoman in a position of deep trust and the American President under our control. Sound good? Don’t worry…this is just foundation for me to be able to yell ‘I will get you next time, GI Joe!’ in future movies. Constant disappointment and all that.”
World destroying rockets are launched. 3 Joes watch in what can only be described as befuddled amazement. The only man who ever gets anything done in the movie at all, Snake Eyes, launches a rocket from some kind of snow vehicle to get rid of one of the missiles. The others watch in befuddled amazement at this too, not moving towards the other snowmobile that is sitting right there.
2 men in super-enhancing Iron Man suits don’t manage to do more than destroy half of Paris in their wake. In the meanwhile, Snake Eyes (who else?) while hanging onto the top of the runaway car that they are all trying to chase down, single-handedly ensures that the car actually comes to a stop with a resounding crash.
I knew there was a reason that as a kid I always wanted the Snake Eyes GI Joe action figure.
Why the Cobra characters are actually the people I was rooting for (unlike cartoons where I always rooted for Joes):
- My girlfriend’s brother apparently died in battle, and she is mourning at his grave. What must I, the soldier and boyfriend, do? Turn up on a Harley with ultra-cool shades, look seriously in her direction. And then leave.
  And then wonder why she turned to evil/a world hating harridan.
- I’m a trained ninja as a kid, and consistently beat this random vagrant kid who is training under my master. Every time I beat him, the master turns away sorrowfully. The one time that kid manages to down me, my master applauds him and calls him the best student.
  Why wouldn’t you want to kill the dumb-ass master who refuses to recognize you? And become a world-hating ninja?
- I’m left for dead after an explosion by (1) my to-be brother-in-law, (2) my army, (3) my government. Hell they even bury nothing in my stead and pretend I’m dead, and my sister cries her heart out and not much else.
  I think I’m justified in wanting to kill ‘em all. Using green devouring nano-mites.
A floor of deathly mines faces you, which will go off if you touch them with even the weight of a single quarter. Solution? Snake Eyes! He will walk over them hands over feet, hence somehow rendering himself weightless. They then expect him to painstakingly rewire the door-lock so that they enter – he shows them that life is very simple, by just short-circuiting the lock. Yes the main door to the Cobra stronghold can be short-circuited with a knife. Probably why he’s the only one ever doing anything in the damn movie. Respec’!
Cobra attack on GI Joe stronghold. They pierce outermost underground entrance. Where is the Joe commander’s office? Right there! And of course, later on, when you have the villainess at gunpoint you must… stare at her with longing and not shoot her point-blank in the forehead for having killed most of the men you’ve known. I don’t blame you. That leather suit…

All my cribbing and ranting aside, it was actually loads of fun. For all the wrong reasons of course. But insane fun. I don’t think I’ve laughed so much at stupidity in a really really long time. Classic memories of my own GI Joe action figures came flooding back as I looked for the above picture. Epic battles had been fought by me on the floor of the bedroom, with the bed serving as the base which needed infiltration. He-Man had been roped in as an unwilling villain in the absence of a Cobra Commander figure. I’m wondering where all those figures are today. Somewhere deeply buried back home in Bombay? I hope so. And of course vague snippets of cartoons come flooding back too. Insane action. The Commander crying out that he would be back!

People used to enjoy GI Joe because the Joes never used insane technology. It was about heroism. And ninjas. But mostly heroism. No hot babes in body fitting leather suits (didn’t know Sienna Miller could look like that). No Iron Man technology. Good old fashioned army tactics and attacks. Which was the part Snake Eyes got spot on. Which is why he is only cool character at the end of it all. The only real Joe.

Hey, it got my mind off the insane crap-load of work that awaits to be done over the next week. Which is a good thing. More on that later. As always.

« Hide Post

in the movies, memories, rants

ajab 90s ki ghazab comeback

Nov 12th

Posted by SEV in staying.reviews

6 comments

humor, or something like it

I am part of the generation that grew up on pure Hindi cinema – none of this new-age ‘finding yourself’ crap. It is the generation that venerates every immortal dialogue from Andaz Apna Apna. ‘Ai la, Juhi Chawla!’ ‘Chai baatne se pyaar badhta hai’. ‘Sawal ek, jawab do’. ‘Teja mai hun, mark idhar hai!’. ‘Mai hun Crime-master Gogo!’: I could go on and on and on about this one movie. We watched SRK ham it up with everything being yelled with a bloody mouth or a stammer, movies in the form of wedding videos, Govinda as the comedy king (which he will always remain), Sunny Deol as the angriest of the angry that can be (in Santoshi’s movies most of all), Salman barely having half the body he has today and roughly the same amount of acting talent, Sridevi and Madhuri as smart yet sassy heroines with a naive Karisma (who didn’t know how to put on make-up) on the side, Jatin-Lalit and Nadeem-Shravan music. It currently seems as though Bollywood is hearkening back to the heyday of the 80s and 90s. Whether it be the insane action that is ‘Wanted‘, the ridiculous family values espoused by WYR, Govinda-style travesties of ‘Do Knot Disturb’ or even the awesome inanity of a comedy that is Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani… it could even be that India itself is going through some kind of renaissance. Especially given the current make-up and performance of the Indian cricket team – again very 90s-ish.

Here we are. 2009. Santoshi has finally made the spiritual successor to AAA: ‘Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani’. Which tips a hat to every single loser-hero-romantic comedy to come out in the last 20 years. ‘Ek din mera bhi naam paper mei aayega’ (Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa). ‘Ye mera nikamma beta.. kya..’ (AAA). Tony Breganza (Baaton Baaton Mein). Jenny (Amar Akbar Anthony, the original AAA). The happy go lucky loser and his gang of awesome friends (Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander). A small town that joins in for music and dance (Way too many to name). Hell, they have Raaburt from AAA and ‘Yello yello’ playing at one point in the movie! Could Santoshi make it any more clearer? This is AAA for all those kids who know not the true genius of AAA.

APKGK mostly works. Santoshi has all the inane bits nicely worked out, even if they fall short in a couple of places. But he manages to bring it back on track every time and deliver another insane set piece to make up for it. To me, the stand-out scene was the father-meeting-son in climax (as every good Hindi movie should conclude) and mouthing utterly senti dialogues: ‘Agar tum yeh sab ek ladki ke liye… toh phir mei bhi tum par..etc etc‘ – only to be asked to repeat them because..wait for it.. the son thinks they are awesome ‘dialogues’. And the dad obliges! It was something that would have fit perfectly in the AAA universe.

Ranbir Kapoor ensures scintillating moments galore and proves that ‘Wake Up Sid!’ was no flash in the pan – this kid has talent, knows how to use it, and channels energy and ability all the way back to his grandfather. Kareena may have come into the industry sooner than him, but she could take major points from this kid. Katrina is.. well.. Katrina. Used perfectly for once. She illuminates the screen, is not made to talk too much, and generally manages to distract from any shortcomings in the scenes she is in. For e.g. a scene in which Ranbir tries his best to be emotional about how much he loves Katrina but can’t admit it (or something).. but I wasn’t paying attention to whether he was convincing or not. Sheer eye candy in the form of Katrina occupies half the screen – ’nuff said The supporting cast is spot on – mom/dad/idiotic friends/even more idiotic villain.. etc etc. There are faults you can find – as always – but at the end of the day, you’re enjoying events more than griping about them. And I didn’t feel I must murder the director (which last happened for Blue – which is not reviewable. Or watchable).

Need I really say more? Go. Enjoy. Live a little of that adolescence that remains golden tinted and unforgettable.

in the movies, reviews

whats your problem, mr. gowarikar?

Oct 13th

Posted by SEV in staying.reviews

14 comments

You used to be able to make interesting entertaining movies. Lets refresh. It won’t take too long. You’ve only made 7 movies. And managed to hit the slippery slope pretty well. But we’ll get to that. At least, unlike Kunaal Kohliiiii, every single one of your movies doesn’t make me want to kill you. Its all changed now though. We’ll get to that too.

The curse of falling in love with your own overtly long movie has been rearing its head since ‘Swades’. A classic signature that the story was not thought through – a last half-hour added on almost as an afterthought (heh!) to make the story go full circle. Of course, ‘Jodhaa Akbar’. By my count a sweet 100 minutes could have been trimmed to make the movie more about Jodha & Akbar, and less about Hrithik getting to replay fight scenes from Troy. And now. ‘Whats Your Raashee?’ 2 minutes shorter than ‘Jodhaa Akbar’. 200 times more painful.

It plays out with the worst of movie-dom. Bad, stupid characters. Bad, stupid motivations. Bad, stupid reasoning to bring 12 zodiac signs into the why your movie? picture (literally!). Bad, stupid timeline. Bad, stupid narrative dialogue, which doesn’t even rhyme (unlike the greatest movie of all time). Bad, stupid jokes which serve to irritate me to no end. Bad, stupid writing making things happen co-incidentally all the time (even Gunda followed logic). Bad, stupid and pointless finale which basically negates the underlying idea of the movie. For e.g. the guy meets with 12 raashees so that he can figure on his ideal one – and finally doesn’t even choose her himself. That was the best you could come up with?

Read On… »

Poor Ms. Priyanka Chopra. Woman-fully trying her level best to infuse distinct lives into 12 characters (why all 12 look the same is actually inventively explained too). And succeeds, to some extent. Some of her characters actually breathe a whiff of fresh air into the proceedings. I couldn’t help but appreciate her quips, her jokes, her accents, her possible acting chops. All of which you, Mr. Gowarikar, manage to completely negate…every singly f*cking one of them. I was never quite sure which Ms. Chopra is talking at any point of time. And of course: Stupid, pointless unneeded songs – I was only enthused by the fact that each one means 5 minutes can be saved by skipping forward.

As far as Mr. Baweja goes, it would be interesting to see him in a movie with Hrithik about clones. Very interesting. I’m not going to say much more. He’s so bland and so useless that he might as well have not been there at all.

I have no idea how some reviewers felt that awesome TV talent was in this movie. Most of them don’t really seem to care that they are there. In fact, even you, Mr. Gowarikar, seem not to care that they exist. Its almost like your thought process ran thus: each character must turn up on screen every 15-20 minutes. And you follow this adage like clockwork. Literally. I timed you. Not much else to do for 3-odd hours. This then takes the form of Harman’s mom first waking him up and then telling him to go back to sleep 4 (four!) times in the movie. Bad things would have happened if my mom had done something like this to me even once.

I read something about you espouse idealism too, Mr. Gowarikar. Really? Your characters espouse being irresponsible ‘coz the family will bail you out – no matter who/what/how. They glorify the NRI culture of post-grads coming to India just for an arranged marriage, marrying someone pretty enough and with a good enough English accent. Every woman in the movie (including the Ms. Chopras) do nothing at all to show they are really smart or independent – they are all in it because they were “forced” (or even fooled) into it or because they want to “protect” the family. Hell, even parents appear to have no other agenda than marry off somewhat-of-age sons and daughters so they don’t have to worry about them anymore. Fuck that, it is a matter of pride for fathers that they have not let their daughters study – but have forced them to learn housework by cloistering them at home.

Time for my rhetorical questions now. Why did you make me want to tear my hair out within the first 4 scenes of the movie? Why was I unable to see any real ‘raashee’ characteristics in any of the goddamn raashees? Why must this movie be 3-odd hours long? Why did you pander to every cliched hackneyed impression of women/spouses from the last 50 years of Indian cinema? Why must songs actually be sung and danced to? Why couldn’t you use some smart cameos? Why are your side stories so pointless and eventually just utterly predictable unfunny gags? Why are you forcing your editor to forgo every single rule about editing a movie? Why are you directing like a 3rd grade kid who must repeat everything in the script out loud? Why did you make me feel I was watching a very ancient socially backward movie-sitcom?

To reiterate: What the fuck is your problem, Mr. Gowarikar?

« Hide Post

in the movies, reviews

compulsive domain renewal post

Jun 3rd

Posted by SEV in staying.reviews

2 comments

For the first time in 3 years we actually managed to renew our hosting plan in time to ensure that the site is still up come renewal day. I guess that’s called progress.

Welcome to year 5 of severeanomaly.org. Now, I wonder if I can actually start doing something with this space other than updating people on all the movies I’ve watched since the last time I posted. Which reminds me that:

‘Terminator Salvation’ proves that machines can never take over the planet coz they’re just so damn stupid. Seriously, you capture the one guy who can end everything and then don’t kill him because you have a pointless convoluted plan that can be seen to be failing a mile away. No way are you ever taking over anything. Ever. But then seeing Arnie take his first step in the future before he is sent back to the past multiple times to prevent the future from happening (and doesn’t manage to do it even once) is a fan-boy delight at a different level. 2 more movies to come (for what reason I have no idea) and then since its 20-odd years since ‘The Terminator’ it’ll be time for a franchise reboot. Ah, Hollywood. Also, this makes perfect sense [minor spoilers].
‘Drag Me to Hell’ is a return to form for Raimi and the horror genre in general. Yes I realize that the words ‘Raimi’ and ‘Ramsey’ are very close to each other. That said, for once I walked out of a movie theater feeling reasonably spooked. And I gripped my hand-rests tightly at least twice in the movie. I’m hoping for a nice dark Spidey 4 to erase the travesty that was Spidey 3.
‘Up’ proves that Pixar cannot be classified as anything other than the best animation studio out there. Forget ‘Madagascar’, ‘Kung Fu Panda’ or any other random animated movie you’ve watched recently (other than WALL-E). Trust me. One of the best movies of the year (again). And 3D really adds to the experience that is a Pixar movie. Wow. Seriously. WOW. Additionally this tells you why Pixar rules quite beautifully
‘Burn After Reading’ reassures me that the only Coen brothers movie I will ever be interested in will be a dark comedy of their making. The movie has everything – snide remarks, freakish situations and some awesome dialogue timing (especially J.K.Simmons). ‘No Country for Old Men’ was just so abstruse that 4 months later I still don’t get it. What was the conclusion? Why did it win anything? ‘Burn’ on the other hand: ‘I’m f*cked if I know what we did wrong. Oh well, we’ll worry about it next time..’

Now for India. And somehow finishing up stuff I should have finished a month ago before I leave. Which needs a month to be completed. And here I am writing blog posts. Toodle-oo.

anniversary, in the movies

dev d: what should be india’s official entry to oscars 2010

Mar 1st

Posted by SEV in staying.reviews

7 comments

From the sequence showing Dev come back for his lady love, and get caught alone with her.. to a sequence showing how he ends up on Chanda’s bed – Anurag Kashyap seamlessly paints the picture of Dev D. For most part of the 170 minute length, you sit enthralled at an amazingly updated contemporary take on Bollywood’s favourite deathwish character. Its is significant that I do not know where to start writing about this movie. Do I talk about some amazing character work by Abhay Deol, and the lady newcomers? Do I talk about how the story manages to mesh real life and fiction (take note Messrs. Mehra and Bhandarkar)? Do I talk about the amazing blend of music, madness and movie (take note Messrs. Mehra and Ghai)? Do I talk about the inventive camerawork, direction and plot (Take note Bollywood)?

It is sad that Dev D will not be as appreciated as it should – it showcases an India that people want to sweep under the carpet. You want to be taken seriously outside the country? This is the kind of movie that will make people stand up and take notice. Not insane excuses in the name of comedy and history like Mangal Pandey and CC2C. Remember that movie that everyone thinks is so awesome (read, such an awesome showcase of Indian poverty)? This is the movie that can change that.

There are a few shortcomings as Kashyap/Deol (Dev D is Deol’s concept! Respect!) attempt to update the story… but I am willing to forgive these transgressions given the sheer beauty of the 160 minutes before. There are some sequences that appear almost too randomly (what is with those 3 guys who keep standing around?) – but even these fall well within the overall mood of the film. Homage is paid to every single significant movie that could relate to this one (Trainspotting? Check. Requiem for a Dream? Check.), and even to Bhansali’s 3 hr screamfest. Mr. Bhansali? Want to make use of weird color schemes and funky camerawork? Take notes.

Read On… »