Mickey did not know what was to hit him that evening. After all, in the last 14 years, ‘McClane’ had gone to ‘Mickey’. The problem of hanging out with Ricky was that everyone else’s name started sounding like his. And Ricky was no stranger to ‘doing his own thing’. With his dad walking around in his feathered hat, strumming a double handed guitar tunelessly…it was all he could do not to bring the place down around him.
And to think the day had started with that song and dance about how life, love and everything else was just a big dance. And those pouty females wearing shapeless dresses…bliss pure bliss. Amazing, the things that people ended up doing while just walking around.
So, when Mickey was called in to take Sattu-the-scary-hairy hacker, he had to take Ricky along. Once they had blown up half the neighbourhood, fallen down 4 buildings (luckily all at the same time), and managed to sing a serenade to those two booty shaking females…it was time to hit the road. Unfortunately the females wouldn’t come along - not due to the lack of tickets - quoting the immortal lines:
Mujhe ticket nahi, Thukral chahiye.
Eventually, they reached the CIA headquarters. And found that due to a cross-connection (caused by all that damn hacking that was going on nowadays), the place they had been sent to was the Cow Incense Association. Apparently some kind of replacement for incense, which was environmentally friendly. And the fact that people may not want to burn cow-based products had possibly escaped their attention. Then, of course, they realized they’d ended up in Bhatinda instead of Washington.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch (in Washington), the real CIA realized that they were on the brink of world collapse, due to some of the engineers finally believing the popups that flashed on their ultracool mind-controlled touch screens. The uppermost thoughts on their minds had finally taken over. And they needed Sattu to get them back on track. He was scary enough to make one want to never sing and dance again, after all.
Ricky, Mickey and Sat-key (see what I meant earlier ?) found themselves in Washington with only the loss of a couple of cruise ships and one plane. Most people found it pretty normal that they blew up every place they moved around in. The ruins of the NY pier were testament to how Godzilla had nothing on them anyway.
At this point, another cross connection happened. They found themselves talking to the villain of our piece, He-Who-Does-Not-Have-A-Name-But-Walks-Around-In-A-Weird-Getup. He was trying to reach his right hand lieutenant, the ultra-hot Mona Darling. Who knew how to look busy in front of a computer. Mickey tried his hand at making his standard sarcastic irritating remarks, but our Villain was a smart man. He already knew that Mickey was the true-blue hero with a penchant for blowing things up, and decided to blow up the USA using his adversary’s combustible talents. The CIA would remain distracted with their pop-up problems. Nerd hormones were notoriously difficult to get a hand(le) on. Telling them to ‘jack off’ wasn’t really helping their case. Or indeed,
Dil pe brake laga, aage dead-end hai.
As we all know, that wasn’t the place to put the ‘jack’ on.
While our trying trio tried their best to get to our Villain without destroying more than the occasional highway, the CIA suddenly realized that they had managed to throw caution to the wind during the singing of ‘Miss of Love’, and give our Villain all the money in America. Which was, again, a matter of world destruction.
Given that things had gotten sufficiently out of hand, our trio landed up at the Villain’s hideout. The one that had fallen off every mapping, tracking, and locating device known to man. Carting around all that computing equipment for generating those pop-ups wasn’t a matter of major importance. It could be confined to a simple Alienware laptop. Which had been thrown around a bit, when our Villain realized our trio wasn’t destroying America.
The question of whether the Villain would die due to the horribly ‘jerk’y triad dancing attempts of Mickey, Ricky and Satkey or whether they would due to the Villain constantly breaking into ‘Boom Barabar Boom…’ was not easily resolved. Over 2 hours later, around the time that half of America had lost electricity, gas, air, transport and their houses… the Villain revealed his true self. And died as his feathered hat and jacket contained the vital support system - he needed to hold something back while thrusting. (Which you would too if you heard his song.)
As our heroes found their heroines at the scene at that exact moment, Ricky realized that Mickey would be alone. Which was not a problem, as due to a curious co-incidence of fate, his daughters were the re-appeared booty shaking beauties. The Villain lapsed into his final coma at this turn of events, and everyone walked off into the sunset.
America was in ruins, but the world was safe. Or maybe not, as our quartet was on a honeymoon. And Mickey had to attend to the injuries that had finally appeared on him. The buildings, skyscrapers, highways, trains, planes, jets, cars, bombs had finally had an effect.
Until then, it was time to ‘Live Free’.
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