staying.cool

the mind rambles, the thoughts don’t come, i keep typing. a blank page must necessarily remain a blank page, there doesn’t seem to be a reason to fill it up. content is immaterial, the purpose is to type and purge the head for a while. the idea of the head being ‘woolly’ is understandable now, the lack of sleep can only be alleviated by coffee. eventually, either tiredness or the lack of rest will tell, and the system will have to shut down. i realise here that the last two can easily be mistaken for being the same thing… but they’re not. once again, the realization strikes that i’m not exactly making sense, but rather typing as the thoughts come. ironically, now i’m thinking about rambling, which is a pretty redundant thing to do. a random formatting change occurs. i wonder whether i should leave this as a single paragraph (or should that be monograph ?). that could be construed as unintelligible. not that the rest of this is meant to be anything more than a stringing together of words as they enter the head. eyes droop, as they have in the last one hour. i’m putting off the caffeine for as long as possible. too much caffeine is dangerous, we don’t want the natural laxative effects to take their course. ‘laxative’ seems inherently gross somehow, but it is the most indirect way of putting the natural excretory process. somehow ‘excretion’ seems sleek as compared to ‘excretory’. this could be a new mode of writing here. just typing as they come. usually, i do try to have an idea, or a concept, or a rant in my head that excites me enough to write about it. even a philosophy. those monologues seem pedantic, almost too pompous for words now. the underlying tone of sarcasm is lost on the vast majority. as it will be. i can be too abstruse for my own good. as i now believe: ‘clarity of thought’ should be my motto. saves time. breaking down problems and then addressing their solutions, rather than intuitively arriving at them. really helps. means the concepts are a lot clearer. the motivations are easier then. even if that path is bloody boring. step-by-step, even if tedious, is simply easier. and even if i don’t realize it, appears cooler. i feel as though my eyes are shut inside my head. it is almost screaming for rest. i force the alertness. the slower thinking needs to be maintained until it is too slow. at that point, i risk being called ’stupid’. the natural faculties aren’t much higher above that level in the first place. degrading myself seems a second nature now. that probably isn’t right. i like to think it keeps me on my toes. over-analysis, and still not reacting, points to some amount of craziness on my part. somehow, i seem to have filled up at least part of this page. some relief is there, though the creativity i’m looking for seems to be lost. i need to write, create; fictionalize… explore that arena of my brain. i don’t want to lose it. i’m probably in denial though. i’ve already lost it.

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