staying.cool

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait… for you

His feet hit the sidewalk. As he walked forward, the world around him seemed to disappear into a background.. a background that was too distant to see. His head was bowed, his pace was brisk. Hands were stuck in pockets, feet encased in sandals.. and he looked tired.
A rain drop hit his head.

And everything seemed to slow. As the drops started to fall, he slowed down. Slower, slower, until he was almost languidly strolling in the rain. The rain had heightened, and was now a brisk drizzle. His shirt and jeans were getting damp.. but he didn’t seem to feel them. His face was no longer bowed, it was looking into the distance; as though he would see something coming towards him.

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for… you

He stopped. Looking. There was almost no-one on the sidewalk around him, people were taking shelter. A few cars drove carefully down the street beside him. He noticed nothing. His face was wet, his spectacles dripping. And he continued to look. Involuntarily, his hands snaked up to his head and tried to set his drenched hair.

And all at once, he looked up. As the raindrops hit his upturned face, his arms came up in an embrace engulfing the rain. Drops settled on his face, and randomly formed paths down.. down his neck, dampening his collar.

His face seemed to crumple, and then regained its impassiveness. His arms dropped back to his sides though, and he stood there, his shoulders drooping. His head bowed. He looked down to his feet, and wiped his face with wet hands. A shake, a rueful smile. A parting of his hair again. He looked away again, almost hoping; daring to hope.. wanting, knowing… it was never to be.

All at once, his face was wet. He looked up again, tears mingled with rain and flowed away. He took off his specs, and rubbed his eyes.

“Don’t. You know that’s bad for you.” Her voice.

Shock.

He turned.

No-one.

A deep sigh.

I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you

.. to fauna.
me like.

what ? you were expecting verbosity ? from me ?

fine, i upgraded to 2.0.4. gah.

i’ve always hated saying goodbye.

most importantly, i’ve really hated saying goodbye at the airport.

funny.

there have been times when i have gone to the train station 4 days in a row to bid adieu. there were times when, regardless of everyone else, i would be there for that final wave.
but, never, never the airport.

it seems too… final.

trains are always so much more specific. departure, or arrival, happen right there, right then; most of the time. you watch them pull away waving, having ensured that they have everything that they could need for a journey. a bit of final satisfaction. airports seem to leave the statement incomplete, so to speak.

i stood at the visitors barrier today at terminal 2C. the final moments i would get to spend with people who cared enough to stay up at 4 am. just to say goodbye. the jokes, the banter, the advice. and then.. all at once it was time to leave. the final shake, the final hold, the final hug. my second goodbye in a month. to people who mean the world to me. i had to turn and walk away. pursuing my dream, i thought.. at the cost of reality that i loved.

i stood in the immigration queue when it hit me. i was leaving again. in the last 2 years i have said more farewells than ever before.. but i’m still not used to the feeling. do i really want to be ?
and this was one of those times when you don’t know when you’re going to see everyone again. a year ? two ? more ? how many people end up leaving and forgetting to come back every now and then ? would i be one of them ?
so many people completely disappear from the hemispheres of people they think they will spend the rest of their lives with. and meet once in 5 years. which has to be the worst result of them all.

for a moment then, time seemed to stand still. the last one month, the sudden arrival, the dreaded (in a way) departure… and the sheer number of moments you always treasure - it all came rushing back. life suddenly seemed based in the short intervals of india that i have had in the last few years… rather than life itself.

yet another goodbye means yet another welcome. and thats whats going to keep me going. for now.

as i get ready to leave for the states, as i say the many goodbyes i have to - some harder than others, some easier… other than the usual gamut of feelings of parting from all those truly near and dear existing, there one overpowering weight on my mind.

the weight of expectation. of relation.

i’ve spent the time i’ve been here trying to touch everyone i hold important to me. spend time, spend moments, hope at the end of every such meeting that the time spent is enough. with some, its never enough. with others… you expect yourself to measure upto their own expectations of you.

complicated ? isn’t it always ?

there are some for whom you have to make the time. no matter what. and there are some for whom you want to. then there are those whom you need not, but you do. hindsight dictates the classification, unfortunately… in most cases. even though, i should have been foresighted enough to do this earlier. i’m not.
says a lot about my brain, i know.

and then it hits you like a solar plexus punch. you haven’t measured up. to your expectations. let alone what others expect of you. in a manner of speaking, its a failure. in another way, its a reality check.

think of it. there are so many people in our lives.. but regardless of whatever regard/relation they hold us in; its completely dependent on the way we manage to stay connected. and there is a point where they hold no expectation - because they don’t know us that well. and a point, where they believe certain standards of us. because of the manner of relation maintained.
so, when in such a case, you disappoint yourself… it hurts doubly.

but is it always possible ? in the current fashion of the world, in the daily fight; there is no way we can always live up to anyone’s expectations, not even our own. apparently, there’s time for them later. maybe there is. at any rate, thus is life.. there are some who remain, and so many others who fall away. you grow out of them, they grow out away from you, directions and attitudes change… so many things. this is reality.. and its not always easy to keep connections alive. especially when you get bored of them.

“ah, chuck it”., you could say. “you analyze too much.”"there’s always next time.”
and therein lies the fallacy. there’s not always the so-called “next time”. sometimes its the last time, and you don’t realise it; because you’ve taken it for granted so many times. and you realise too late, that it is too late.

and that is the worst feeling of them all.

what of these people i’m beating myself up with ? i should expect the same ? maybe ?

at some level i do. but i expect more from myself than them. its a matter of the way i believe i should be. plus, this way when things happen the way they should.. life seems better.
only seems, mind you.

at some level, i know i’ve not done everything i could have. or should have. the questions of whether it was possible are redundant today.. they probably were. i’ll never know.

the connection of relation is too, too fragile to be tested often. everytime we say we’ll do it later, and don’t.. everytime we conveniently forget to hold to a promise… everytime we assume the other will understand; we’re stretching it to limits we have no idea of.
and the only time we realise is when we see that hurt in someone’s eyes, which they try to hide. when we know within that we’ve let them down, in a way. we all do it so often. and are surprised, even hurt when it doesn’t hold up.

when, in fact, we’ve not held up to the test ourselves.

for a hardcore google user such as me, the logic behind the infamous “google-2038″ cookie is a little worrying.

and voila ! a solution. do not forget to check the point about the new interface. very interesting.

and the “like wow !” feature of google talk for me today, was the dynamically sizing image preview during file transfer. very innovative. very google