staying.cool

..or expressed.

for example.. having completed a year with a blog. in effect, an online diary.

me, a guy who has difficulty expressing himself in any way. i am maintaining a journal. an online journal. and i look forward to seeing what others have to say about what i write.

there are mixed feelings here. amazement, that i can write. curiosity, about how i’m able to do it here. wondering, at the number of people who can understand. happiness, that the world is not as lonely as i think it sometimes.

realisations come and go. the questions remain, albeit in a place i cannot go to now.
a weight lies on my mind, i do not deny that. i need to get it out, i know. can i, i don’t know.

i will say one thing though.

to all of you out there. all those people i have met through this space. there are so many friends i have made just through writing, so many people i have come to know, that i can’t believe it sometimes.

it means more than i can express right now, but i will. someday.
happy blogging, everyone. and thanks for being there.

happy anniversary, blog.

…a lot of the stuff i’ve written recently can be construed as whining. i realise that but outlets are needed. i can’t say i’m over it, but darkness takes on meaning after a while too.

…you keep realising that time passes faster than you realise. it is the 23rd today, and in 3 days, this place on the net will have existed for a year. i mean staying.cool as an entity, not the actual web-location. obviously.

…it is true that evolution is probably reality, rather than theory. this was meant to be a “cool” hang-out with links, and amazingly insightful commentary posts. and a forum for the ideas that come out of my head. it didn’t.
instead, i should say, welcome to a peek at what goes on in SEV’s head.
also, yes, that means i was always open to the point that evolution is only a theory.

…i‘ve been very remiss in not visiting all of you as i usually do. i’ve barely been able to while in india, and it was only today that i managed to actually read all that all of you had written.
god, i can’t believe that one can accumulate backlog in blog-reading.

…staring into darkness shows you so many things after a while.
i lay in my bed last night, staring sightlessly at the dark ceiling above me. so many thoughts come unbidden when you relax your mind-blocks.. that you wonder. how many ideas die unheard simply because we don’t want to listen to everything our mind throws up ? i know my mind is far from what i once thought it would be.
i used to hope it would be like that of the great sherlock. filing cabinets of information around. knowledge available at a moments notice. cross-referenced and everything. just what i need, and nothing more.
i know now, it is actually a mess. order exists in its disorder, and i’ve been able to make it into a rough file-folder sorting, when i wish to. i’ve been able to empty it, too. i’ve learnt to scream inward: silent to the world; a cacophony inside.
and i know this is the way it was always meant to be. something of everything, and everything eventually leads to nothing…
the night.

we make decisions.
then we rationalize them.
then we lose rationality.
you see what happens to the decision ?

i’m lost.

occasionally i feel what happened was something that had to be. that what happened will affect me, but hopefully, i will not lose perspective about why i did it.

then i say ‘crap’.

questions can be such a killer.
i’ve been asking them to myself for a while now. and the answers lead to thoughts that can, euphemistically, only be described as destructive.

i made a conscious decision. thus, i know only too well what i have lost. i also know that this is not the kind of loss that comes with a promise of more.
this is not ’sacrifice’ either.
you can call it ‘cowardice’.
it can even be termed ’selfishness’.

thus, deservedly, i should suffer.
i have made others suffer, some so close, that i know their pain. physically.
after all, mental pain has a way of transcending minds.

i asked earlier, whether i can live with what i have become.
i have to. and the fact that i pulled crap. and kept on doing it.

is it really a surprise why i despise myself ?

this is not about forgiveness from others. that may be given. eventually.
it is about me forgiving me.
that i cannot do.
no excuses, no explanation, no way of making up.

i can only hope that others are able to take it.
else, life has no reason. even to exist.

you’re thinking suicide ?
no.
sometimes punishment need not mean death.
death would mean release.
and i should suffer.
period.

i know anyone who reads this would ask for details. to know more. to help.
however, i cannot do that here.

the wound is too raw for me to be able to tell others. or hope that others might understand.
besides, i don’t deserve help. a bit of suffering never hurt anyone.

words. words.
empty words.
can anything have any meaning ? anymore ?

ribbons of orange light below me.

6800 feet over heathrow.

i’m back in the UK.

72. seventy-fuckin-two.
82. eighty-bloody-fuckin-two.

comments. spam comments, mind you. in less than 4 hours.

the wordpress spam filter was smart and moderated most… but seriously ? 72 ?
what is the point ? sales ? i know i’m going to hate anyone who is advertised through it.

can’t say linked.. half the time, its random links.. to people i’ve never heard of.
linking ? which does not exist ?

or maybe its like fake linking, and they charge the people for having set up links. maybe i’ve stumbled upon the big conspiracy of the century. spam comments are actually the fake billing techniques for people who have no other point in life. talk of sad.

yep. me. i’m talking of sad.