staying.cool

one keeps wondering about how life could have been under different circumstances. one never realizes that these different circumstances occur every minute.

every minute you live, you find another way of thinking. the conditions under which your life is being lived is changed every second. you don't realize it, you call it the passage of time.

does time, as a concept, really have to exist for us ? it is one of those things that you just cannot live without, simply because everyone accepts it. and lives by it. there might never be an alternate concept for time, for the simple reason that changing our standards is not convention. and changing this one is simply not possible. we've got it integrated into our very soul.

its the same with life. you live in a warp with some beliefs that cannot be changed. where you cannot accept that alternates are possible, or might even exist. change is universal, but you have to recognize change to change; and a large majority of us don't.

questioning the self is something i have come to accept as part of me. i never even consider simply accepting what i know and continuing on my path. why ? even the process of accepting makes me wonder why i have to accept this paradigm and live; and no other.

thinking on it further, what do i know ?
not a lot; and certainly not enough to understand.

i know my mind is searching for something, i am not sure if this is something it has lost, or something it has realized it requires now. or even, if this is a way for it to entertain itself. i am not even sure about what it is, that it is searching for. i don't know why i am voicing this here, and hoping to understand it. it feels like something is missing within, but i don't know.

precis: i just don't know.

there was a stage when i wondered what the use of writing here was. whether people could ever understand what i am trying to say. how that makes the slightest difference to what i am doing now. what my mind is hoping to find in a maze of its own creation.

now i don't know what this “catharsis” is giving me.
giving it up seems alien. going on feels surreal.

it could be that i am thinking too much as usual. it could be i am not meant to think like this now.
it could be that i am.

whatever it is, it is happening now; and there's not a single fucking thing i can do to prevent it.

getting lost is one thing. not understanding whether you are lost, or merely exploring is quite distinctly another. not being able to even follow what the fuck is going on, is something i cannot compare to any of these others.

when i read what i have written so far, somewhere along the way, the journey changed from a mind rattling away; into one of introspection. and from that introspection; exploration outward.

i'm pretty sure my “answers” are to be found similarly.

i wonder when.

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